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31 August 2011 @ 01:03 am
I continually type things without finishing, deleting the words I spew, because I realize half way through that they are not true. That they are just words meant to fill spaces and mend what's broken. They leave me feeling empty because I'm not satisfied with what has been said. There is no meaning in it. I try to find the meaning deeper down. It's not there, I just find myself grasping at open ended questions and possible explanations. Probable explanations. But I don't want to accept those. I turn to my best friend for support. Her advice is solid, born from experience in tragic situations. I will learn those lessons, in time. I will face that tragedy. I do not want it, I am not in love with tragedy. But I crave it, for the complete brokenness it brings. For the chance to be honest and new.

I find many flaws in the one that I love. That I truly love. I do, right? I think so. Then that is it, the answer. It is not true love if you questions its truth. It is certainly the beginning stages of something beautiful. A seed sown in a wonderful valley of wildflowers, just barely budding over the surface of the soil. It will grow to be strong and breathtaking, if the conditions are right. Storms come and threaten to uproot the poor sapling. Animals forage through the wilderness, breaking the ground which the young tree grasps at. And the winter, the harsh freeze that awaits... I can only hope it survives. I do not know whether it will, to be honest. I can only hope. Do I have the power to influence the conditions? To make them right? I can certainly try. I can do my best to protect the tiny life clinging to hope, but in the end it is not my efforts that will yield the most growth. They will certainly have an impact, and the love I've shown will not go unnoticed or unrewarded. But ultimately, it isn't in my hands.

I think back on the time it has taken to grow the beautiful love between her and I. She was once like you; proud and strong. Sometimes her pride bubbled over into cockiness, a confidence masking insecurity. Though she did not know it, and could not recognize it at the time. She was stronger for it in the end. Wise beyond her years. The hardships she faced and the lessons learned molded her into the woman she is today. I would like to think that in some way, I had an influence on her. But only by protecting the love growing inside. I made sure the conditions were right.

With you, I sense a bit of both her and I. The need to please others. The pride to think that you could never be wrong. There is a piece of that in us all, but we learn keep it in check. And you will see that one day, I hope. You have lessons to learn and growing up to do. I say that not because I feel some sense of power over you. Not because I have felt some maturity that you have not reached. I say it out of concern that your actions will lead you to pain. Pain that I can't mend. So these are lessons I cannot teach you, though I wish I could. I want nothing more than for things to be perfect between us. But they are not... At least, not yet. With love and with patience, I hope to show you what I mean. The way I feel. I hope to guide this young love to its full potential.

I want to see this tree grow.
15 March 2007 @ 07:48 am
Week of March 12

Life continues to move forward whether you are ready or not. The one you love is constantly evolving whether you are evolving with that person or not. This week, you may feel like you are getting left behind – as if the one you love is moving on without you. You may even feel as if life itself is moving on without you. Perhaps you feel like you have no control over your love life any more at all. Keep in mind that this may not be such a bad thing. Go ahead and surrender. Admit that you don't know what you are doing or where you are going. Admit that things may be moving a bit too fast for you to even catch up with them. Slow down and relax – don't feel obligated to have all the answers. When you do, you will find that surprising events wake you up to new experiences and new opportunities with people that tickle your soul on a whole new level – a whole new vibration. In short, this week it is best if you sit back and relax. Go ahead and let someone else take the reins for a while.
20 February 2007 @ 10:20 am
This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

I spent two weeks in Silverlake
The California sun cascading down my face
There was a girl with light brown streaks
And she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.
Yeah she was beautiful but she didn't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade
But they did and so did i that day

All i see are dark grey clouds
In the distance moving closer with every hour
So when you ask "was something wrong?"
That i think "you're damn right there is but we can't talk about it now.
No, we can't talk about it now."

So one last touch and then you'll go
And we'll pretend that it meant something so much more
But it was vile, and it was cheap
And you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
Yeah you are beautiful but you don't mean a thing to me
20 February 2007 @ 10:08 am
I can't concentrate at all.
I need closure. I need... something.

I hate seeing you and knowing you see me.
and not being able to do anything about it.
if this... if you are in my position.
I dont want to let what happened happen again.
because walking away, leaving everything alone.
it sucks.
and there's so much regret
and so much pain
even down the road.
and when you see something that will remind you of me
it'll kill you
i know it, because if this is like before...

but that was before.

it was past.
i don't want to bring it up again.
i've decided that i'm going to find him, and talk to him, and ask him what it was that he felt, and what it was that he thought. and i'll sit him down, and i'll tell him.
i'll say it was past, and i need to let it go.
i need closure.
this isnt fair to you, for me to bring up the emotions from my past. I should have left this journal alone. all the things i wrote for him, all the feelings i felt. I should have left them well enough alone. it wasnt fair to bring up the past. and to do this.

i need some self-control
Current Mood: tiredtired
20 February 2007 @ 09:34 am
In the light of the sun,
Is there anyone?
Oh it has begun.
Oh dear, you look so lost,
eyes are red
and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed.
You said,

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts
Across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you,
They're not the only ones
Who cry when they see you
You said,

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,
She said,
You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains, oh yeah.

She said I think I'll go to Boston.
I think I'll start a new life.
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name.
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly 'em out to Spain.
I think I'll go to Boston.
I think that I'm just tired.
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind.
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunsets,
I hear it's nice in the summer, some snow would be nice, oh yeah.

You don't know me,
And you don't even care, oh yeah,

Boston, where no one knows my name
where no one knows my name
where no one knows my name

Boston, where no one knows my name.

I do this thing where I think I'm real sick
but I won't go to the doctor to find out about it
Cause they make you stay real still in a real small space
As they chart up your insides and put them on display.
They'd see all of it, all of me, all of it.

All the good that won't come out of me
and all the stupid lies I hide behind.
It's such a big mistake
lying here in your warm embrace.

I think I'll go out and embarrass myself
by getting drunk and falling down in the street.
You say I choose sadness
that it never once has chosen me.
Maybe you're right...

It's all of the good that won't come out of me
And how eventually my mouth will just turn to dust
If I don't tell you quick.
Standing here on this frozen lake.

Get a real job
Keep the wind at your back and the sun on your face
All the immediate unknowns
Are better than knowing this tired and lonely fate
Does he love you?
Does he love you?
Will he hold your tiny face in his hands?

I guess it's spring, I didn't know
It's always seventy-five with no melting snow
A married man, he visits me
I receive his letters in the mail twice a week

And I think he loves me
And when he leaves her
He's coming out to California

I guess it all worked out
There's a ring on your finger and the baby's due out
You share a place by the park
And run a shop for antiques downtown

And he loves you
Yeah he loves you
And the two of you will soon become three
And he loves you
Even though you
Used to say you were flawed if you weren't free

Let's not forget ourselves good friend
You and I were almost dead
And you're better off for leaving
Yeah you're better off for leaving

Late at night
I get the phone
You're at the shop sobbing all alone
Your confession, it's coming out
You only married him
You felt your time was running out

But now you love him
And your baby
At last you are complete
But he's distant and you found him
On the phone pleading, saying, "baby I love you
And I'll leave her and I'm coming out to California"

Let's not forget ourselves good friend
I am flawed if I'm not free
And your husband will never leave you
He will never leave you for me
04 February 2006 @ 12:00 am
These trials are only to test your faith, to show that it is strong and pure. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold--and your faith is far more precious to God than mere gold. So if your faith remains strong after being tried by fiery trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honor on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world.
-1 Peter 1:7
29 January 2006 @ 09:43 pm
I wonder if you can sue your computer company for ruining your eyes.

Drowning, just as fast as i can.
But don't throw me a line,
don't reach out your hand.
Cause, I'm on the brink of something beautiful

It's never been more perfect being alive
I've never been so satisfied

I could feel something different for the first time
Heaven made sense and all the words rhymed.
No chance of stopping now. I'm taking it all.
And now I'm caught in the air, its a good glide.
Pass it up, wouldn't dare what a wild ride.
I remember being ready and waiting to fall
just like I did tonight

i played lotr: battle for middle earth almost all day. and I use the term almost loosely.

so I didn't even go to church, and I sat around all day on my butt.
well, i did go on a bike ride with my mom, and my legs burned afterwards, cause we rode up a huge hill twice.

but i have a new resolution to never be this lazy or on the computer as much as i was today.

i don't even remember the point of this post

but i know that i've said i'm not going to get on the computer that much about 20 million times. and I've never followed through except for about one day, if that. maybe like half a day.

oh well, this time I mean it. for real.

i'm going to bed early tonight
Current Mood: blankblank
Current Music: ready and waiting to fall [mae]
26 January 2006 @ 08:46 pm
number of songs: 432

sort by song;
first song: (ho ho hey) a song for santa's sleigh - emery
last song: zelda's lullaby - zelda

sort by time;
shortest song: horn intro - modest mouse
longest song: jefferson aeroplane - relient k

sort by artist;
first artist: across five aprils
last artist: zelda

sort by album;
first album: a mark, a mission, a brand, a scar - dashboard confessional
last album: X&Y - coldplay

top 5 most played songs;
1. middle of nowhere - hot hot heat
2. when finally set free - copeland
3. reptilia - the strokes
4. brighter than sunshine - aqualung
5. we're so far away - mae

first song that comes up on Shuffle: underdog - yellowcard

this page is pretty funny
read the thing about idaho, it's good.

or if you dont wanna go there, here are some funny parts about it.
idaho.Collapse )
Current Mood: boredlame
Current Music: underdog [yellowcard]
23 January 2006 @ 10:45 pm
My sister just brought me home a side-by-side chocolate banana milkshake from steak and shake, and I've been craving a milkshake all day.

I just finished my precal homework, too.

And I walked out into the living room and Family Guy just so happened to be on, so I got a little sidetracked.

And I'm finally free to have my quiet time with God, and then head off to bed.

I've had a good day.

I just made this icon to go with the song I'm listening to because I really like this song. I think I'm going to redo the icon though, because I made it in about 2 seconds.

I also learned that a grateful heart is one of the most effective ways to avoid temptation. Pride and Self-Pity are two of the problems that lead to temptation and to have a grateful heart, will cut them both out completely.

I thought this all was interesting, and I've been trying to prove it right by testing it out.

And Psychology was interesting today. We learned about the different approachs as to why we behave the way we do. Whether it be subconcious, biological, human nature, our own thoughts or our culture. It's all really interesting. We talked about how some psychologists believe that dreams are the manifestations of our inner most thoughts and desires. Some of which we're even afraid to think.

I havent decided what I think of it all yet though.

Well, I'm off.

I hope I dream tonight.
Have you ever fallen, have you ever failed? Failed miserably?

Have you ever triumphed over some impossibly difficult task, and felt the joy of knowing that you didn't fall this time?

But have you ever defeated something, your innermost sin, and pushed it away, when it seemed you could never turn away from it, yet after you thought you had won, have you ever realized that you would never beat it? That it was always, persistently on your mind, waiting for you to make the smallest mistake to take you down. That the goal was unattainable and that you were, and always have been, setting yourself up for failure. That your highest standards were, in fact, way too high to begin with.

Yet, have you felt that during those times, when our faith is pushed to the limit, and we're drawing near the edge, have you felt God there? Carrying you far above your sin, and your aspirations of this world, and then... You were for once higher than them, flying. Has God ever given you the faith and the hope for this world, that maybe someday, you would become something so much more than you could have ever imagined for yourself. That you will one day walk with angels, that you will walk with God.

It's tough to rise above ourselves sometimes. We bury these sins inside of our hearts, and are yet to forgive ourselves. No one could ever love the miserable failure that they call with my name. Who am I? Covered with the black veil of sin, yet in mine own eyes, my sinful nature was always far darker and far deeper within my heart than any of those around me. I struggle to think if I will ever overcome it. I've been held down for so long, and every day the struggle grows more intense and my heart grows weaker.

How many times does it take for us to break down and realize that we're hardly moving in any direction, and if any at all, downwards and never up. How will I ever overcome this? I wish I knew. I do not know how, all I know is wherein the answer lies. Upwards, in the hands of God. Yet, it's always so tough to deny those most desirable thoughts of the human flesh, and seek a higher moral standing. When will we be free of this eternal torment, this... unforgivable sin? Only upon our deathbed? Can we never rise above this world and all it's wordly ways? No, we're human, and we are destined for failure. We've only to realize that once we seek God, and once we seek forgiveness, we no longer have a reason to live bound by our sin. Because sin and temptation will come, day in and day out, as it may. We only need to cling to God, for He is, and will always be, our only protection against those dreaded "forces of evil." And only once we have found ourselves farther along the path of light that leads to God will we begin to feel free from the torment of sin. Free from the condescending eyes of our own guilt. We will one day rise above this. But one day must begin somewhere... Live today for God, and seek Him first, and one day will finally find us held in the arms of our Savior.
Current Mood: pensivepensive
Current Music: we're so far away [mae]